Being single for as long as I have has made me accustomed to being single and I fear that I have slipped into a place that is too deep from which to pull myself.
It's odd that I have this desire to be with someone (no one in particular, just someone) yet I feel helpless to change the way things are because the lifestyle has taken over. The drudgery of habit has become a lifestyle. Or is it the habit of drudgery? Whatever it is, it's a strange feeling to be desirous of a relationship yet habitually drawn to living alone.
I'm not sure if the people around me are ignorant of the situation or won't talk about it because it's one of those topics that people don't talk about. There's a list: Bathroom habits, sex, salary and loneliness are among them. I could bring it up but they can't.
I've never subscribed to the "lid for every pot" theory, because I feel like there are pots that are so oddly shaped that the lid doesn't exist. It's a fatalistic viewpoint, but age has made me doubt.
The freedoms that people associate with single people are largely made-up by married people who profess to be jealous of our independence. Perhaps we each long for the others' life? What we want but cannot have.
It means that I can almost always find a ticket to a show or game, but going alone makes me weary, and on more than one occasion (several, actually) I have decided at the last minute not to go alone. I make that decision easy by tearing the ticket up and throwing it in the rubbish. No second thoughts.
Dining alone is odd, but if I do not eat I perish, so the forces drive me. I think I get worse service than I would if I were with someone. I tend to be left and forgotten at times in restaurants. I'm not sure if that's a truth or a perception.
I try to put the best light on it when I tell someone "I" went someplace and that blank stare comes over them as they realize I attended a show, movie or concert alone. I usually say something like, "If I didn't go alone, I'd have missed it entirely," which makes perfect sense but does little to alleviate the social anathema. Weirdos go to concerts alone.
It means that I can walk around in my underwear if I want, watch what I want on television, do what I want where I want when I want ... there are too many I's.
It's only lately that a lot of that want has gone.
As I grow older I fear that some great illness will overcome me and I will no longer be able to care for myself. That's probably the greatest fear. The aloneness of old age. It makes me grim and I worry.
I never laughed at that "I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial because I saw myself in it. There's no humor in being alone and unable to help yourself.
I'm pretty sure it's why single people don't live as long as married people. There is a comfort in a companion and a security that allows one to have no fear over being helpless or needy. I loathe asking people for help because I know that they have their own families and don't need a surrogate.
Being alone gives me too much time to think.
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