1 Year

In March it will be one year since I told you goodbye.

I remember coming to the realization that our 10 year relationship just wasn't going to work about three years ago. Things had just changed - I'd changed, you changed, circumstances surrounding us changed. It got more and more difficult to play the charade of the loving girlfriend when in reality I dreaded your visits and saw them more as forced visits - the kind you have with relatives that you see once in a blue moon and you would rather be doing something else than entertaining them.

We also had this countdown to when we were going to "get serious", move in together and think about marriage. As that countdown started winding down I became more depressed. I seriously thought about suicide because I didn't want to hurt your feelings and upset my family yet I also knew I would be horribly miserable with you.

I also wanted to know what life would be like without you. I knew I was strong enough. I've survived being unemployed for over a year so I knew I could survive a broken relationship. But the day that I tearfully told you that I just couldn't do it anymore, that I just couldn't be your girlfriend anymore and no - there was nothing to fix was probably the hardest day of my life. I could almost feel the knife in my hand that I knew I was stabbing into your heart. And it was a horrible feeling.

Around August I reached out to you. Months had passed. I thought maybe things had changed between us. Maybe we could try again. Maybe it would be different this time. I wrote you a letter and mailed it. Never heard from you. I accepted it and moved on.

November you sent me an email and told me that you were sorry my Grandfather had passed and you were still considering my proposal. I was angry. I thought if you had any feelings for me that when you received my letter you would have jumped at the opportunity for a reconciliation but you didn't. Instead you decided to keep this proposal on your back burner as if you were making sure there weren't any other "good deals" out there before you decided to jump back in. Thank God I had enough sense to email you back and tell you that the proposal had an expiration date and you had passed it.

That was the last time I heard from you. You didn't email me back nor have I made any other attempts to contact you. Sometimes I think it's a bad thing, sometimes I think it's for the best.

I told myself that I was going to wait one year until I started getting back into the dating scene. I'm beginning to think that maybe I need two years. The desire for anyone to be back into my life so intimately is uninteresting to me at the moment. I know in time that I'll have that desire again but for now I'm fine with it being just me and my dust bunnies.

There's a 1st Time for Everything

Today, I did something that I have never done in 10+ years of marriage with my husband.
I looked him square in the eyes as I gave him a blow job.
I know that probably sounds weird, but I am a very insecure person. I always felt that looking him in the eyes may reveal something I am doing wrong, or something he may not be enjoying. But on the contrary, it did the complete opposite. I have never seen him so turned on. It almost empowered me. He even told me that it was part of his fantasies to have me look at him while I did things to/for him.
From now on, my eyes will be open to all sorts of things. Not just blowjobs!

SEX (sort of)

One of the most interesting “issues” between men and women for me is Sex. Sex often is the driving force when the relationship starts, and it seems to wane from there. I can truthfully say that I have never met a woman where sex was as important to her as it was for me. Thankfully, I am getting older now, and I only think of some sort of sex about 78% of the time. ( I won’t get into specifics, but it’s not the act of sex exactly that interests me, but it is sex related…..someday, I’ll write about what I mean)

Anyways, the way that I deal with this is very simple. I masturbate. Often. At least once a day, and I’m not ashamed to say that my record is six times in a 24 hour period. I know that this is uncomfortable for some people to hear. But the truth is that Men have been choking the chicken way before it became in style for women to masturbate. Hell, Now-a-days, it’s practically a daily ritual for women too! They even have these little finger gadgets that you can pick up in the grocery stores for women. They have taken the art of masturbation to a new level.

The sad part is that it’s still frowned upon for a man to spank the monkey. We still look like “dirty old men” while women look like they are in style if they twiddle their twat.

I’m not trying to get a rise out of anyone, with this post. I just wanted to get something off of my chest. Now that I have done that, I think it’s time to get something else off.

Mr. X