One

Age, loneliness and sorrow are kicking my ass.

I don't reach out for help because I don't like to feel needy and I don't have anyone to help. The emptiness I feel is compounded by the overwhelming sense of helplessness.

I know it's why single people die sooner than married people. There's a lot to say for companionship.

Loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be. It's one of the few things that lives up to the hype.

Unfortunately, nobody asks and we don't tell. It's sad that the condition feeds on itself and we are left to wander.

Lives of solitude are meant to stay that way.

Why doesn't anyone believe in loneliness?

Stand up and everyone will see your holiness.

They say if you look hard,

You'll find your way back home.

Born without a friend

And bound to die alone.

"Zero Chance" Chris Cornell (Soundgarden)

The Way You Chew

I think I am going to surprise him, in a very big way. He won't see this coming- though he should. I am breaking up with him again. He won't fool me again by being perfect and coming back... No. Not this time.

Last week at work I was telling a coworker about how I know it's over- she mentioned that you really know it's over when you can't stand the sound of their breathing or the way they chew. She is right.

He picked a fight with me because I didn't do "anything special" for his birthday on Sunday. I am totally broke- but I splurged and made him a dinner I knew he would love. I didn't get him a card- it's paper that would end up in the garage with a million other boxes of junk that belongs to him. HELL! On my birthday HE wasn't even here. He was two states away. He came home with a rock. No, not that kind of rock... A stone, engraved with the word Longevity (in English and Japanese.)

The rock wasn't even from him. It was from his mother- who he was visiting (two states away- planned months in advance.)

Yeah, it's over. Not because of the rock. Not because of the argument(s). It's over because I'm not in love. He's not in love. I'm settling for less than I deserve. Much less! I deserve happiness, and I think that in the long run he will see- even though it will be very hard for him... he will be better off.

Good luck on finding a place to live with half the amenities of this home... I'll be happy to never see your dirty laundry, pepsi cans, piles of crap, cigarette butts...

I will take the good memories and a lesson hard learned, and I will move on.

I'm not telling him yet- because it's a few weeks until finals, and I'm not a bitch.